Our View From Here

Perspectives of Five Women

Stuff that never happens to me

on October 6, 2010

This has been a rough week.  I’m sick right now, and trying to keep myself conscious for long enough periods to get anything meaningful done is pretty much impossible.  And, when I get sick, I get kinda cranky and lazy and I have a hard time with creative problem solving (the particular problem to which I am referring is the what-do-I-write-for-my-blog-post problem). 

So, since I’ve spent the last five or six weeks writing about things that have happened to me, I thought I’d spend this one writing about things that never happen to me.

1. I never win anything. I’ve entered contests, drawings and giveaways, bought lottery tickets and raffle tickets, and I never win anything.  The last thing I tried to win was a handmade wooden canoe, which would have looked awesome in my living room.  But, despite buying five tickets, I didn’t win.  I should probably just give up and resign myself to a wooden canoe-less existence, but I am just too damn hopeful.

2. I never find money. Well, this isn’t QUITE true.  I do find money, but my stupid sense of fairness always looks around for the person from whose pocket it may have dropped.  And wouldn’t you know it, I always find them walking a few paces in front of me frantically searching for the $20 bill they just dropped, and only too happy to take it off my hands.

yes, just like this.

3. I never manage to not be swarmed by weirdos. Yesterday, I left work early.  Riding the bus in the middle of the afternoon in Boston is a surreal experience. It’s a totally different crowd from the evening commuters.  One guy on my bus yesterday afternoon looked like he carried his life on his back.  He had clothes hanging from his backpack that appeared to be clean and drying.  Notable among those items was a pair of white underpants.  He was later joined by a middle-aged couple wearing matching Elmer Fudd hunting caps.  Underwear man and the Fudds chatted away amiably on the bus while I wondered whether or not I was hallucinating.

I’ve also been escorted down a beach by a nude massage therapist, but that’s a story for a different day. 

pretty much like this, but with more skin in the way.

4. I never miss an opportunity to hurt myself. I am notoriously clumsy.  I spill things, I trip, I break stuff.  I find ways to turn a seemingly innocuous situation into one fraught with danger.  I once nearly killed myself running across an empty parking lot (no cars were involved).  I required stitches after injuries sustained in a tragic lightbulb-changing incident. I’ve electrocuted myself while painting my living room.  I’m sure my parents regret the day they ever bought that chemistry set, because it took weeks to get all the broken bits of test tube out of the ceiling tiles.  It no longer surprises me to find broken glass splinters with my feet or mystery bruises on my legs.  Luckily, however, I’m usually the only victim of my dastardly plots to do myself in.  No innocent bystanders have yet been hurt. 

It’s probably only a matter of time, though.


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