Our View From Here

Perspectives of Five Women

Amanda’s mass transit rules

on October 26, 2010

Good morning, passengers, and thank you for riding ________ (enter the name of your public transportation company here). To make everyone’s trip as pleasant and comfortable as possible we ask that you kindly abide by the following rules:

  1. When using your portable music playing device, please not only use headphones, but lower the volume so the person next to you, or across the aisle, or several rows away cannot hear your music. We understand that you think you have the best taste in music, but actually, you probably listen to crappy music. No one else wants to hear your hip-hop/rap/80’s Power Ballard/Broadway showtune/ethnic/country twang remix. We might make an exception if you wanted to blast out classical music, because that would be kind of funny.
  2. If you haven’t taken a shower within the last 24-36 hours, please turn around and exit this mass transport vehicle immediately. Do not think that pouring cologne/perfume/hairspray all over yourself takes away your stench – it just adds a new one.
  3. In certain instances, we may try to pack you in here like sardines. If that’s the case, please take your backpacks and shoulder bags off and either hold them in your hands or put them on the floor by your feet. Remember, when you wear bags on your back or shoulders, they become a part of you. If you move left, they move left with you. If you move right, they move right with you….whacking all of your neighbors over in the process.
  4. If you use a cell phone during our ride, kindly talk softly. No one else really cares about your order for Chinese food, what your BFF did last night when she got soooooo wasted, or what stupid gift your mother-in-law gave you for your birthday. Moreover, we really don’t want to hear about your kinky bedroom antics so please have those conversations in the privacy of your own home.
  5. Unless you pay for two seats (and we both know you didn’t), don’t spread your stuff all over the seat next to you. If you do, and someone asks you to move your things so they can sit, don’t act all affronted. Just move your things so someone else can sit and remember that the world does not revolve around you.
  6. On wet, drippy days, do not put your umbrella on the seat next to you or on overhead racks where it will drip all over the seats. Put it on the floor or in a bag.
  7. Don’t eat smelly food.
  8. Please refrain from giving yourself a manicure on the train. Many people do not like the smell of nail polish and really don’t want to smell it first thing in the morning.
  9. If the doors are closing and you’re almost there, do not throw yourself in between them or hold them open. It’s not everyone else’s fault you’re running late. Besides, once you do it, everyone behind you is going to do it too and often, the doors will break, causing an even longer delay. Then, everyone on this vehicle will hate you and wish foul things upon you.

Passengers, as you can see, we don’t ask for much – we just have a few, common sense rules that will make the trip more pleasant for everyone. We understand that it can be difficult to think about others beside yourself and realize that your actions can inconvenience everyone around you, but we’re confident if you just think about this a teeny tiny little bit, it just might start making sense to you. In the interim, we will not-so-patiently wait for a day where we can all enjoy a more comfortable and pleasant commute. Thanks again for riding…I guess.

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