Our View From Here

Perspectives of Five Women

Stress Beneath the Surface

on December 9, 2010

In my day to day life right now I have very little stress on the surface. We’ve gotten insanely slow at work so there’s a lot of down time. There’s so little of it, I don’ t remember how I deal with it.

When it comes to the surface stress of the everyday I do my best to roll with it. Insanity at work. I work through each problem as it comes. Take deep breaths and get through it. Stress at home. I’ll attempt to address the problem or take a weekend away to just have an escape. Stress while driving…ok I don’t handle that well. I scream and yell and drop expletives that are rarely heard in my everyday conversations. (Honestly, if you are driving a red sports car you should be able to beat the *&#%^  semi-truck away from the light! Little Mazda from this morning I’m talking to you!! BAH!) I suffer from road rage, especially in the morning. I’m working on it.

Then I realized, I’m insanely stressed right now. I’m just choosing to ignore the problem and push the stress down deep (that explains the random heartburn that’s been popping up). Every so often it’ll escape (like an exhaust valve or something). I’ll be driving along or sitting at home and get an over-whelming feeling of anxiety and panic. It’s my brain reminding me that everything is not hunky dory right now. And that my “plan” isn’t exactly a plan in the solution finding sense. It’s more of a jumping of point.

I’m nearing my un-employment . Three more weeks and I will be out of a job. I’ve passively been looking for work hoping something perfect would just appear. I have people regularly ask what I’m going to do . (After I have a mini-breakdown in my head and go “I HAVE NO IDEA!”) I give my current “plan” of moving somewhere far away. I just need to find a job there. This puts me at ease for short amounts of time and prevents too many other probing questions. This doesn’t help me line up work or the new year.

When I really sit and let the reality sink in, I’m terrified.  How on earth am I supposed to land a job in somewhere far away when I don’t live in somewhere far away?! If I find something in somewhere far away I’ll need to move all my things post-haste none of which are packed in any way. I need to start packing so I can move at moments notice! Eeep! How am I going to find an apartment in somewhere far away from far away?  What the heck am I supposed to do with my life?

As you can see, the longer I sit and think about the situation the worse the anxiety gets. So I push it away into my gut resulting in the random fits of heartburn. When it comes to big problems like this the procrastinator in me takes over. I’ll put off dealing with it until I absolutely have to. This is really not the wisest or healthiest approach to this or any other problem but that thinking doesn’t seem to be changing what I’m doing. I tell myself I will find something; that my industry always slows down this time of year so there will be a slew of places looking to hire by the end of January. When my logic center kicks in I know this is wishful thinking and me trying to placate my anxiety. I haven’t NEEDED to hunt for a job since college. I wanted a new job a year or so ago but I was never to a point where my livelihood depended on it and I HAD to find one.

The fortunate thing is that this deep underlying stress will go away. Once I find a job and sort through the inevitable relocation. Then a new variety of stress will kick in with being somewhere new. Hopefully, I will be able to treat that like my everyday work type stress and roll with it. Until that point, I will have to travel with my antacid tablets and try to be more active with my job hunt. Ugh…where are those Tums?

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One response to “Stress Beneath the Surface

  1. Schelley says:

    As I always say, you can reach out to me as a sounding board for any ideas you have or just to vent so that you aren’t holding that all in. Life is tough enough when you don’t have to deal with change such as this.

    And… as they always say… admitting that you have a problem is the first step. You may want to think about going to “road rage” anonymous meetings? *hugs*

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